Moving On...

I feel good about the present and the future. I am not obsessing over whether any particular man is or is not paying me enough attention, because if they aren't, I know that it's their loss. I do have 2 interested in me right now, and I won't get exclusive with anyone until they prove they can be trusted, and by exclusive I include "having any sexual contact beyond kissing and hugging, " as well as just seeing only one person.

Work is underchallenging on a mental basis, but provides a steady income that is adequate to keep me out of bankruptcy.

Just between me & you, babe...

...so, you do something (not for the first time) that hurts me, I let you know that in rational terms, you not only don't apologize or make it right, but don't even acknowledge my request for an explanation, give me your usual BS response to questions you don't want to answer...

and you think it's all somehow hunky dory, send me a "poke" on Facebook today after I unfriended you due to my hurt over your actions. Well, gosh, honey, I guess that makes *me* the Wicked Witch of the East in your eyes, huh? Have you any capacity for self-examination, or for accepting your own fault in doing things that are hurtful to others? Do you ever say you're sorry for anything, to anyone? Do you even care that you did something hurtful to me, and that all I asked for was for you to explain, make it right(which would have required no more effort on your part than the click of a flipping button, for crying out loud), and you'd be forgiven? No, you chose instead to insult me. You treated me like I deserve to be abused. Guess what, I have a different opinion of myself, I don't have to accept abuse from anyone. I know that I have value as a person, as a woman. I know that I am loved and valued by others, even if you think you have the luxury in your own mind of devaluing me. Guess what, I just took that privilege away from you. You won't get it back.

I didn't say that I would never forgive you, I am an absolute believer in always leaving forgiveness and reconciliation open as an option. I am saying I'm probably less forgiving than God (I ain't perfect, and the Lyle Lovett song "God Does" springs to mind, as you know I love to make musical references all the time), and you need to make more of an effort than I've seen you do so far. So, the question is: will you? Or are you too proud/stubborn? It's your call. I don't control you, but you won't abuse my feelings with my consent. You won't turn me into a doormat. Been there, done that, earned me a passel of t-shirts in that department, am totally done with it. Understand, I need to make sure I never end up that miserable again. You've already come close to putting me there on a few occasions. I don't intend to give you that much power over me again.

I owe, I owe, ...

I have completed 2 weeks at the new job. I know I'm overqualified in many ways, except for my lack of experience with property management. My predecessor refused to train me, so I'm being trained by people who don't really know my job very well. And I'm (as I almost always have) exceeding expectations and delighting my employers. That's a good thing.

I am happy to work with nice people. I've worked with some world-class jerks at a few jobs. I've had some jobs where I was miserable, that actually came extremely close to putting me in the hospital. I don't get the feeling that will happen here.

I make less than half of what I made in Oregon, so that isn't exactly to my liking. The commute is about 15 miles, and I wish it were less (takes 25 minutes, if I speed and encounter no problems).

Today, I got told I was doing "a helluva job." It made me feel good. In fact, though, no matter what the job, I always do my best, and strive to do better than my predecessor. That's just how I do things.

Meanwhile, I'm struggling with money, as I didn't get unemployment for the month of July (and didn't start work until August). I have a critical payment to make this month, will just be able to squeeze it out, but nothing left over for new clothes (that I badly need, due to the recent weight loss and climate change). And really wanted a desk chair for my bedroom, but I guess that can wait until the end of the month (was hoping to manage it this weekend, what with the "sales tax holiday" - oh well).

Family matters

My folks flew up to Bloomington, Illinois today for Mom's annual family reunion. She is number 9 of 11 siblings; 4 have died already, including my favorite aunt, Ruth. I wanted to go, but I am broke, in debt up to my eyeballs, AND just started a new job. Plus, someone has to take care of my dog and their cat.

I told the folks to tell the family that I said hello, and I'll try to make it next year (I haven't seen any of them since I was a child), and don't nobody die for the next year.

Tonight, Baby Brudder & I went to the airport to pick up their car from the lot and drive it home (they left at a time when neither of us could take off work to drive them). I noticed with some chagrin that the "gas light" came on a few miles from home in their Jeep. Since I can't afford to fill their tank, they best hope their stuff fits in my trunk when I go pick them up Monday night.

The background:

"gotta tell you, mornings are ruf, I wake up so horny most of them lol"

Why did you share this with me? I wondered at the time...was it to make me get worked up, or something else? It's still kind of been in the back of my mind. Help me out here, is there something I don't understand? I know you are not ready to be involved with someone now, but, honestly, is this about trying to keep me hoping for something in the future? And, is there any reason I should? I'm not trying to make you feel bad, just confused. And...well, confused. Yes, that's probably the best way to describe it. Perhaps best that I not elaborate. Not trying to make you feel bad for expressing yourself, please don't take it that way. I'm just honestly...confused. Or, conflicted? Or, something like that. I guess I got to feeling things ....ok, that is enough info for you to go with, really. Just asking you...are you hoping for something in the future, or just teasing me, and need to be honest about that? Or, what?

I'm going to trust you to be honest with me, I really have no reason to doubt you on that. Don't worry about hurting me, better to be truthful than to give someone false hope, yes?

J

Sorry for the late response, but I just got in from Miami this afternoon.

I apologize for the comment that you have in quotes, I was simply stating how I felt that morning, and it was inappropriate.

As I have stated before, I can see us being friends. In answering one of your questions, I am not trying to keep you hoping for something more in the future. I do not see our friendship evolving into a long term romantic relationship.

I am sorry if anything I have said has confused you or given you false hopes, that was never my intention. It will not happen again.

H"

I am so angry right now, because he did in fact send those signals and give me false hopes, and that was just plain wrong. And, excuse me, you don't think I'm good enough for a long term romantic relationship? I am trying so hard at this moment not to resort to crude expletives. I am so much better than you realize, and this is not arrogance in any way.

I feel like putting my fist through some drywall, but haven't and won't. I feel like screaming and ranting about being led on, but haven't and won't. I hate being treated like my feelings are inconsequential. I hate being told that someone "didn't mean to give me false hopes" when the things they did clearly qualify. I'm scrupulously honest with people, and I'm sorry, it just makes me furious when I find out that they have been less than so with me. I'd rather be told, up front and honestly, "I don't know yet, it's possible my feelings could change", or "no, I really could never feel that way about you" AS SOON AS YOU KNOW IT, than feel as if you led me to believe there was a possibility I should wait for you to be ready. I'd honestly have a very difficult time actually being friends with you after this. If that makes me a bitch, so be it. I have been called worse, and gotten over it. But I honestly don't see how I have not been, in a certain sense, lied to. And I'm just not OK with that. Gee whiz, why not?

Aloneness

This Thursday, my parents are flying to IL for Mom's annual family reunion. I wish I could go, I would really like to re-connect, haven't seen any of them since I was a pre-teen or younger. But my budget and job schedule won't permit me to do so. I hope maybe I will be able to manage it next year, and that we don't lose any more family members before then.

I hate being alone at night, not out of fear, but just because it's lonely and makes me just a little insecure. It's not fear.

Dad bought some ham steaks for me to have for dinner while they're gone. I guess he doesn't remember that I told him I don't particularly like ham. He remembers that it's one of his favorites, and it's easy to cook. As they say in the South, "bless his heart."

TGIF

What a stressful day at work! I came close to thinking I was not going to get everything done that was expected of me, but I managed with 10 minutes' breathing room, although I didn't get to eat lunch until about 2, and I got dehydrated as I was too busy to even get a drink of water. Next week should be better. Thus ends my first week at the new job.

I like my coworkers, and my boss is nice, too. We're all Gator fans, so that's cool.

I realized something unusual about myself today...although I don't believe I speak with any kind of Southern accent when talking to others, when I mutter to myself (which I do a lot of, for some reason - good thing everyone else in the office does it, too, so they won't think I'm strange), it always sounds like it's in a Florida/Southern accent. Isn't that a trip?