Life is good...

but we all experience setbacks. I seem to be in a time of those, at least on the emotional level. I really hate to complain, I know a lot of people in the world have things so much worse than me. But, to deny that my recent emotional experience is not really all that great would be to lie. I don't like lies.

I know it will get better, I'm not a pessimist. Just a realist who recognizes that there are certain factors that are a bit beyond my ability to overcome, emotionally, at the moment. It will pass. I've been doing what I can these days to try to mitigate just such incidents, and I know it will be OK. The worst part is that there is not someone available to me to just listen. That's probably the most valuable thing a person can have. Not someone to give advice, not someone to try to solve your "problems". Just someone to listen. I wish I had that right now. It really would make a huge difference. I think the proper definition of that kind of person is "friend"...and it seems I have none available to me now, when I'm hurting.

Yeah - Sex

I know this could be considered whining, I don't care. I feel a need to vent. Maybe this is not the best place to do it, but I know the "object" (or would that be "subject"?) is highly unlikely to see this.

Fear of commitment just doesn't make sense to me...I've never really had that issue. Yet, I don't consider myself a risk-taker. Maybe it's a "special category" of risk-taking, I don't know. I've always been pretty open to that risk, I guess. Reward could be worth it, it seems.

And I guess there is some latitude to be given to people who've recently gone through a painful breakup. Although, the parameters of "recent" are certainly subjective. (Wow, statistics may be actually rubbing off on me.)

So, then, given these things...someone says I am the hottest woman he's ever come across in his life, gives various descriptions of why...but backs off, due to not being over someone else (whom he describes as at least having no advantage over me physically, and we seem to have a lot more personality stuff in common...would think that would be valuable). OK, I guess I just have to deal. One of my main "life mottoes" actually, is "don't have to like it, just have to live with it." And then, he still keeps in touch, driving me crazy with "I still think about you, but...". I am not all that sure why I do it, but I keep responding, maybe trying to hang in there in hopes he gets over her...

I guess, meanwhile, I'll just try taking my dog to the park, or whatever...it would be such a damn shame to let this newly-found "sexual prime" thang go to waste...not that I'm indiscriminate, I won't have sex at the drop of the hat or anything...got to establish trust, friendship, etc...for what it's worth.

Just another ...day in paradise

Nothing really new to say, just checking in to say that life is boring, and that's a good thing. School is going well, the love life is stalled (damn!), and I'm running out of money, but hopeful for another unemployment claim to be approved...

Hell, what to make of people, sometimes...

When I make a statement that I am "above" a certain behavior, it is never with an attitude of being "holier than thou" - rather, it is with the hope that my friends will hold me accountable if I slip from that goal. Not that I want to be slammed, of course - any decent friend knows how to tell me in a way that doesn't appear to be an attack. But they should be honest with me when I'm guilty of self-delusion.

Then there are those incidents where people accuse me of behavior that they clearly are displaying themselves. And I must bite my tongue, because I have no desire to be the "b-word" in the situation. But, damned if it ain't tempting, when the situation presents itself on a silver platter with a big friggin' bow on top and stuff.

I will just express this here, not be direct with the person who was so incredibly hateful to me and to someone else, and try to just let it go at that. I think I can manage. After all, I have so many more important things to think about. :)

Oh, Crappy Day!

Wow, it's been a long time since I've had so much crummy news to deal with...

Starting with finding out that I have just about run out of unemployment benefits...only 2 weeks plus about $101, and I'm out. Since I'm in debt to the tune of at least $11K, this does not bode well for me. I worked hard over the last decade to get a good credit rating, I am not going to be OK with seeing it go down the toilet...

Then I developed a nice case of cystitis. Oh, yay. Fortunately, cranberry juice and NSAIDs seem to be helping; maybe I'll get lucky and not need to go to the doctor for antibiotics (which I can't afford).

Then I get a call from the Financial Aid office of my university...they never got the necessary documents I sent 3-4 weeks ago...oh, wonderful.

Hearing that others I care about are having problems doesn't help, either.

But, you know what? I won't let it get me down. Because: I have a roof over my head, I get fed on a regular basis, if push comes to shove I can ask my parents for money (though I despise the idea), and most importantly - I have love & support from friends and family. That last part makes up for so much...

My exciting life

Mom does dishes & laundry, spends a lot of the day out in the yard, pulling weeds. Sometimes reads a romance novel, likes to do crossword puzzles.

Dad putters around in the greenhouse with his orchids, surfs the net, watches TV, cooks dinner every night, does the sudoku puzzles, sometimes reads an SF/fantasy novel.

We watch Jeopardy together most nights, and they almost always watch a video they checked out from the library - if it's one I'm interested in, I'll join them.

Most of my time I'm studying, doing homework, or on the 'net, either goofing off or socializing, or on the phone with someone.

Hey, other than being a bit broke and in debt, I can't really complain about my life.

Why I hang around in my bikini so much

Since I lost a lot of weight this year, avoiding the carbs, and dropped down about 3 sizes, and have been unemployed most of the time, I don't have an awful lot of clothing to wear. I did buy some inexpensive things to get me by, but really have not wanted to spend what I don't have. This means I run out of clean clothes quickly.

And, not contributing to the household budget, I don't run my own laundry loads, only wait until Mom is already running a similar load, so I don't run up the power bill. Sometimes I get a little desperate. Right now, all I have left to wear is my "interview clothes", my "nicer" casual clothes, stuff that's way too dressy or too warm to wear, and my swimsuit. Since I won't need to leave the house, I guess tomorrow will be a swimsuit day.

What is my worth to a man?

I don't believe in an "entitlement" attitude, far from it. But there are some things a person has to stand up and say they won't settle for less than...

Any man who wants me to be exclusive with him (and that's the only way I do things)had better make me feel like I'm the most important woman in his life. Granted, there's room to temper it by how long we've known each other: until there's a "formal commitment" of whatever sort, I fully grant anyone related by blood, or even marriage under reasonable circumstances, to get priority over me.

Still, if a man feels that I'm only worthy of the occasional IM, text, or phone call once or twice a week, it shows me what my value is to him. On the other hand, if a man makes me feel as if he'd move heaven and earth to make sure I didn't get hurt, acts as if it would be wrong for him to ignore me if he could avoid it, pays me compliments that I didn't fish for and generally makes me feel as if there could be no doubt that he cares for me...factors such as looks tend to become much less important. And none of these things has anything to do with money being spent...but when he does that, too, it's icing on the cake, or gravy on the biscuits!

I'm sorry, no one is going to try to make me feel guilty for asking for what I need. Not when they can't express honestly what they need, when asked point-blank. And not when trust has already been compromised.

I haven't had a good cry in ages, anyway

My "best friend" since I was 12 said something to me this evening that has really, really hurt me...and didn't explain. And has done this sort of thing to me twice before. I guess I should take that as an indicator that it's more about her than me. But I am still hurt. I don't understand. Just yesterday, she called me. I was unfortunately on my way somewhere, couldn't really talk at the time. I wish she'd called at a different time. I wish I didn't feel this way, but this is a relationship that goes back 34-35 years, back when we were still trying to figure out who we were, and the things we went through together were very much like an actual sisterhood, to me. Except that it was one of our choosing, which made it mean even more to me.

Maybe I need to let the tears come, get them out of my system. And part of me says, "I thought I was done dealing with people who make me cry." Shows what I know. I'm still vulnerable.

A special night is in order

Birthdays are special to me. I feel the need to make them special for those for whom I care, as well. I'm perhaps going a little over-the-top for someone I've only known for a few weeks, but I don't feel it's inappropriate. He's taken me out to several meals at places that were not cheap; pulling out the stops for a nice homecooked birthday meal with wine & dessert seems more than appropriate. He wanted to pay for the ingredients, or the wine, and I insisted that he let me. Yes, he has a good job that pays well, and I'm unemployed, but that isn't the point. I don't want to be taking advantage, and I don't think it's right to ask someone to contribute to their own birthday gift, either.

Can't wait to share my favorite romantic movie with him, see if he enjoys it at much as I do. I know he'll appreciate the meal, and that will make the effort worthwhile. Spending time together, getting to know one another better, that's a good thing. I'm looking forward to tonight.

I'm looking forward to a lot, lately. It's fantastic.

Midyear Review Time!

Here it is, the middle of 2010. At the beginning of 2010, after 2 bad years in a row for me, I made up my mind that I wanted a better year, and figured I had to do something different to get something different. And I decided that the different things I would do were: (1) go back to school, get my accounting degree; (2) move out of my ex-husband's house; (3) move back to Florida to live near the people (my family) whom I love.

There have been a few little bumps in the road, but I have accomplished (2) & (3) and am working on (1), with good progress so far and about 16 months to go to achieve it. Along the way, I've gotten closer to quite a few people, made some enemies of a small handful of others (most of whom never did a damn thing for me but seem to think I've wronged them, how I cannot fathom), and picked up some entirely new relationships that are beginning to be very good for me.

I was quite amused to see one of the people whom I perhaps should not consider a friend comment that the reason for all the positive changes in my life could be ascribed to the hateful comments that were launched at me by the people that decided to become my enemies. I know full well that all of the positive changes in my life have everything to do with (1) & (2) & (3), which were determined (by me and me alone)many months before a ridiculously blown-out-of-proportion incident made those people turn against me.

So, my life now is pretty great. I mean, yeah, I'm still unemployed. I'm still in debt up to my eyeballs. I'm still working my ass off to get this degree, and it's not easy, by any means.

But I feel better about myself than I ever have in my life. I mean that. I'm happy with my body, happy with my living situation, happy with my choices, happy with the people I've chosen to be in my life, happy with the path I'm on...and I truly believe better things are in store for me, even.

The effect of music on sexuality...

Sigh...listening to music from my past dredges up old memories...

Steely Dan, "Deacon Blues" - wow, this was a big one. I was 13, he was 18 (I think I had lied about my age, frankly)...what a piece of make-out music, to be sure, in fact that whole album (Aja) ..hearing that one still brings back feelings of arousal that were never fulfilled at the time...

I remember, not long after that, we were in deep "make-out" mode, and I moaned or sighed, and he asked me "did you just come?"...and I had no idea what he was talking about. I was a 13 year old girl, for crying out loud! Anyway, not long after, he pressured for sex, and I didn't cave in, so it ended.

Aerosmith, "Sweet Emotion" - I was 13 still, it was my second boyfriend, who was closer to my age...and I remember some feelings that were beyond my control, though they were never fully exercised, thank goodness. He was a sweet boy, but still, not worthy of me going further, I was aware of that. Again, though, the song still can bring back the memories, and the physical feelings associated with them.

I have such a stong feeling that music is tied to emotions, memories, and, yes, sexual experience. And want to incorporate it in the right way in the future, understanding how much it matters to me. ;)