Positivity

These days, many more of the people I know were initially met via the Internet, in one way or another. The people I have met in person, or talked to on the phone at the very least, are so supportive and positive and complimentary, it's almost more than I can accept. I didn't grow up with compliments. I felt the need to justify my existence all of my childhood, mostly the only way I could comprehend: good grades in school, obedient behavior. Other than that, I never felt good enough unless I had a way to objectively prove it: here's my report card; hey, I've never been in real trouble; I keep my room clean; etc.

Now I'm getting old enough that I realize those things are way past valid. And I've learned a bit, here and there, about people, trust, honesty, self-esteem, and a lot of related issues.

Here are a few things I know to be facts: no one who has ever spent any time actually getting to know me has not ended up liking me; there are people who do dislike me, and they know so little about me and most of what they "know" is lies they believed from others or told themselves; people who have no reason at all to lie to me, who have proven themselves to be honest, tell me that I am a good person, and even call me beautiful and other things that make me feel great.

I must reiterate again, I do not think more highly of myself than anyone. I don't believe anyone should. But I will also say that the best people I've ever met are the ones who make an effort to make other people feel good. God bless 'em.

I used to be more negative about people in general, but lately, I think it's only the small percentage of crummy people who account for most of the frustration, and that a lot more people than I used to give credit are decent, if you give them a chance.

I'm a failure...

...as an introvert, that is; at least in the way the term is popularly understood. I spend more time looking to socialize with my friends online or on the phone or in person than I do studying, doing homework, etc. I have been labeled an "attention whore" and I could argue that I won't do "anything" to get attention, but I admit that I do love to be in contact with people, so if that makes me an "attention whore", I guess I gotta let that flag fly. I've always loved talking with and listening to people more than reading, watching TV or movies, physical activities...although I will use any of them to help facilitate social contact.

Introvert does NOT mean "antisocial", by the way. It means someone who needs to process everything internally before they can respond to the exterior world, someone who has a very rich inner life, someone who lives a bit too much in their head. None of those things precludes craving human interaction. In the case of most introverts, though, it does mean feeling more comfortable in one-on-one interactions, or at least with those with whom one has already established familiarity. Sometimes when I'm in a particularly upbeat mood, I can easily socialize with certain friendly strangers. Mostly, I am more reserved until I get to know someone.

We are a social species, after all. There are loners, like Ted Kacyznski, etc. But they are not the norm, they are aberrations. They're what we call "sociopaths." I'm not that. I care about people, I empathize even. And I crave the contact. No shame in that. It's what we were built to do.

Joy

Lately I am having difficulty composing words to describe how good I feel. I'm trying to just hang on to this feeling, as I know how fleeting happiness can be in this life. And I've spent too much of my life not feeling anywhere near this good, it almost feels too good to be true. Some dear friends tell me I deserve it, and I have no doubt they mean it. But life isn't fair, it isn't about getting what you deserve. Not this life, anyway...whether or not you believe in another life is your personal choice.

So, let the blessings be, as long as they last. May they eventually outweigh the heartaches, past & future, should I be so fortunate. May I do my best to share whatever joy I can.

Is this the real thing?

So, now I've had 3 dates and lots and lots of conversation via phone and IM with this new man in my life. He is dear, and I feel so much potential for us becoming best friends and lovers in the near future. I'm not really sure about another marriage, given my track record...

And, I don't want to rule it out, either, should it be what he desires. It would certainly benefit me in certain ways, but I'm not looking for that primarily. I'm looking for the same thing he is: a best friend and lover in the same person, someone with whom to enjoy life. For as long as possible.

It is so wonderful that he seems to be fulfilling all of the deepest desires I always had from a man, for attention, compliments, affection, a feeling of being protected and cherished, etc. And that he is very transparent, open, honest, willing to discuss anything, including feelings. And, on his part, he tells me that I continue to exceed his expectations, as well. He appreciates and honors me for my intelligence, as well as for my femininity.

There is no way to know what is to be. But, there is this: we make each other feel so much better than either has felt in a long time, and we continue to build trust and respect. And we have found only compatibility in every issue we have discussed so far. And then, there is the issue of the funny little "coincidences"...hard to explain, and maybe for now I will keep those things between the two of us. Anyway, it's all about timing, luck, maybe even fate.

I still have some restraint and self-control in my emotions this time, probably because I don't want to set myself up to hurt the way I did the last time...but, I feel the very real possibility that we could be very deeply in love one of these days. As much as I'm trying to take it slow, it becomes more and more difficult to resist my feelings. And hearing that he is going through the same feelings is building my trust and affection, as well.

Breaking family ties

I received an email yesterday from my ex's cousin; we had connected through my Ancestry.com account, on which I had posted his family tree that I worked on. She wanted to share some information about his great-great uncle. I just replied and let her know why I've been out of touch for about 2 years, and that I wouldn't be working on the tree any more - though I'll leave it up, for the sake of his daughters, if they ever become interested.

I can't help it, I feel bad for her that she had to find out this way. But not at all surprised.

I can't help myself,,,

I may be getting ahead of myself, as is very much true to my nature...how can I explain that I am someone who is more afraid *not* to take a chance, more afraid that I will one day look back and regret what I *didn't* take a chance on...

Coincidences abound. He spent 3 weeks in Portland a while back. Mentioned some favorite restaurants...all three were favorites of mine, not just ones I'd been to, but absolute favorites. He really likes Portland, wants to go back.

We agree on college football, other sports, foods, music...he is reluctant to discuss politics or religion at this point, doesn't want to "cause dissension". I doubt that will happen.

To hear that he finds nothing more attractive than a redhead with short hair? Wow. To hear that he thinks I'm sexy, that I have a "perfect" figure, I have beautiful eyes, etc. More wow. To be told, numerous times a day, that he's thinking about me...I eat it up. It's exactly what I want to experience. What I want, need, dreamed of.

I think there is an element of "timing" going on here. I can't explain it. But if certain things had worked out differently, for either of us, this would not be happening right now, between us. I am one to find significance in that.

He is open, honest, gentle, yet passionate, sensitive, strong, masculine...this is almost too good for me to believe, like I'm going to find out tomorrow that there was some mistake...that he's changed his mind about me. But, I just don't really think that is likely. Maybe he will find out something about me, eventually, that is too much for him. It has happened before, more than once. In fact, it's what I have come to expect. I'm too emotional, I'm too intense, I move too fast...but, I want to be accepted for me. And I want to give my whole heart. With it comes a lot of love, passion, care, etc. OK, I know I'm far from perfect. Who is perfect? Not one single person I've ever met, not even the ones I've admired the most. It's not a matter of being perfect, and it's not a matter of finding someone perfect. It's a matter of finding yourself willing to give and receive, and finding someone else willing to give and receive, and finding the compatibilities that make it possible to work out. That's why I think I should be very hopeful...so far, all of those elements seem to be in place.

Please, don't warn me or discourage me. If it doesn't work out, I will be OK. But, I can't help but be excited and want this to be the right thing for me. I've needed something good, and this is feeling so good...wish me well.

Like cats and dogs...

Bailey is trying to learn how to get along with a cat. Frank is not exactly an amiable cat, to begin with. He used to just turn around and take swipes at you with his claws or bite. He's 15 now, so he's much mellower...he actually seems to seek out a little bit of attention. But he's not enthused about having a lively little toy spaniel in his vicinity, on his TURF! Bailey, for his part, has the typical Cavalier King Charles spaniel attitude that everyone and everything is his friend, unless they reject him, or unless they make him feel threatened.

He's already learned to give ground to the cat. Frank's taken some swipes at his face, and I'm thankful he never hit an eyeball (as prominent as they are!). If I throw Bailey's toy, and it lands too close to Frank, Bailey is reluctant to go get it.

I think Frank is starting to relax just a bit, though. There is hope. They almost touched noses for a second tonight. I know Bailey got very excited to see Frank back after he'd been gone for over 36 hours...

It's a day it's a day it's a day it's a day at the beach...

Drove down to Jupiter today with Bailey, met my good friend Debby with her Cavalier, Barkley, and we went to the "Dog Beach" - that's not it's official name, but a lot of people bring their dogs there, as there are no lifeguards to prevent it. She brought all the gear to make it a pleasant day: umbrella, chairs, cooler, towels, etc. I brought - me & Bails. We hung out for several hours, just talking and enjoying the ocean. The dogs aren't getting along - too much testosterone, both being unneutered. Eventually, they were too hot even in the shade, so we took them down to the water and made them go swimming to cool off. Neither one was crazy about it, but it did cool them off well.

Then we went to lunch at the Corner Cafe, because they have good food and great microbrews. We both had to try the watermelon gazpacho, and it was incredible. Finally left about 3:30. I had to water the plants for my folks when I got home - it occurred to me how incredibly boring it is to stand around for 40 minutes with a hose in your hand, no wonder you only see old people doing it.

Not I have a 10-question accounting quiz to take, and my study partner said he already took it, studied all day for it, and still didn't do well - and it's open book. Not what I wanted to hear.

We be frustrated...

Joe, my study partner, has expressed some frustrations with our accounting homework assignments. I share his frustrations. He sometimes responds with "it's only 3 points, if we get it partly right, our instructor probably will give us partial credit."

Oh, I wish I could feel more secure in that. I read his course guidance posting...he seems like a hardass to me. And he is native Chinese, and excuse me, but may expect as much of us as most Chinese do of their own kids. I know a little about that.

Joe asks for help, and I wish I could be more helpful...but he is usually trying to push himself at a much more accelerated pace than I do. He says he needs to, because he works weekends, and because he is finding the material so difficult.

My main issue is that the textbook is sort of...obtuse. Not clear enough. But, after enough working with it, I finally have my "aha" moment where I get the concept, in spite of that. But when I try to talk to Joe about it, he seems to have a hard time following me...and I don't think it's that he isn't intelligent, but more that he communicates differently...

As my friend Michael, who is a teacher at a University and whom I admire muchly, says, this could sharpen me. Or, it could drive me nuckin' futs!

How things change...

Took a trip to Publix (supermarket)...could not help but observe that, in this nearly 90 degree heat, many of the locals were wearing long pants, jeans, even. I would DIE. Guess I ain't a local no more.

Fighting the good fight.

With my folks out of town for a week, I have been itching to overhaul the kitchen. It's messy and organized, and I don't think they (Mom in particular) ever throw anything out if there's even a crumb left...even after 8 years. I decided to start with the pantry. I have to stop every time my blood pressure gets too high. The trash can is almost full. They have several opened containers of many foods, because they don't realize they've already opened one. Because it's all so damned unorganized. And there is so much crap in there that doesn't even belong. You see why I said my blood pressure gets too high? No? Oh, well. I can't help it, I like order, chaos makes me irritated and uncomfortable.

I cringe to think about refrigerator cleaning day.

Life really is good

It's been a very, very good day. I think certain predictions that were given me a while back are possibly on the mark: it appears that there are good things in store for me here in Florida. At the very least, it's better just being here. But I think the very least is the tip of the iceberg.

I just don't understand...maybe I never can.

Cold shoulder? Silent treatment? I don't play games. I never have, and I never will. If you have a grudge, tell me why. But...some people, I have to understand, never can discuss feelings. I don't understand that, but I have to accept it. Not like it, but accept it. I have no need to change you, I always accepted you as you are. Valued you for it, in a lot of ways.

And I hope we can move past that and get back to being friends. I never wanted to lose that, I said so a long time ago. If I'd realized it would happen, I'd have done things differently, if not for my sake, for yours. More for yours. My ability to feel and express my feelings lets me release them sooner. I know that is a direct correlation, from experience as well as education. It will stand me in good stead in the future. I am concerned that you will stay stuck, and that it will hurt you, in the long run. As I said before, I hate the idea of anyone or anything hurting you. But...it's as if you want to stay stuck in hurt, from my perspective. Because something better was offered to you, and you rejected it. Out of what, I can never be sure. I can have my opinions and theories, but only you know the truth. I tried for a bit to hold out hope that you might change your mind. I would have bent over backwards and busted my ass to do for you, if you'd given me the chance. You have no real idea. All I wanted in return was the affection you showed and the side of yourself you showed me. But it's possible, I admit, that you were not showing me your whole, true self. I always showed you my whole, true self. Even when I was afraid to do so. I never wanted to take away, I only wanted to give...but I asked too much by needing to know your true feelings.

Until you learn how to share them with someone, you will never find a happy relationship. At this point it appears that you are fine with that. And I am sad, but also value myself enough to pick myself, dust myself off, and say that I can get back on that horse and try again. Slower, more cautiously...asking for more up front to weed out anyone who would act the same as you did toward me...but still not willing to close myself in a shell of protection that lets no one be intimate.

I don't know what else to say that could possibly matter to you or to me. I just hope to dear God that you are not hurt and that if you are, you can come to terms with it, recognize where it came from, understand how your own actions lead to it, and get past it. Not only will you benefit from it, but your loved ones will, as well - all of them. It isn't hardly important to me if I ever do, but that you and yours do, and I do mean that.

If, 20 years from now (if I'm still around...just looking at the family history...), you decide you want to forgive me or be my friend again, I'll be waiting with an open heart and open arms, and no desire to hurt you. I mean that. Maybe there could be another chance, and maybe not...maybe one or the other or both of us will find someone else. That isn't the point of this. This is about trying to help both of us move on. You weren't willing to do that for me, but I was and am willing to do that for you. And you may not be willing to accept me back, even as a friend, but I am and will be willing to do that for you. My heart is an open heart, full of love. Always.

Wasted Time

I already realize it wasn't...

Empowered

I am quite surprised to learn that I feel much better about myself after standing up for myself. I declare that I have value, that I won't be taken for granted. I am worth pursuing, and I will not be the pursuer. Better to be in no relationship than in-or-not-sure-if-I'm-in one that makes me feel devalued. I know that I can wait for the right person, or no one at all. If someone wants me, they're going to have to make sure they make me feel very wanted.

I should be asleep now, But.

Well, I'm not. I tried. All I can do is try. I could say the same about other things, as it is applicable. Difference being, I guess, that other things sometimes require that other people try, as well. And sometimes, they really don't.

I won't let it change the fact that I know who I am, and what I deserve. This is not about entitlement, but it is about self-worth. I do not deserve to be treated as if I am someone to be ashamed of. I certainly am not that. A friend sent me a list of "life rules" today, and one of them said "if a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it." It really hit me upside the head.

I don't know if writing this out will help me sleep, or not. I do know that at least it will help me let go of a little bit of the pain I've been put through.

When will I ever learn?

I think the more I try to trust and give "benefit of the doubt" to people, the more I get burned. I still fail to understand (a) why they do it to me, but even more importantly, (b) why I continue to keep trying.

I really, honestly, don't want to end up a bitter person. I really, honestly want to care about people. And I have no ability to comprehend the hate that some of them seem to be hell-bent on spreading.

I know this life is just temporary, anyway. And that, in (X amount of time), it won't mean anything. And that there are bigger, better things...but sometimes, I can't really help but need to express my frustration over the absolute crap some people seem insistent on spreading.

ETA: it saddens, and yes, angers, me, that people over 30 can still act like children when it comes to understanding, forgiveness, etc. None of us are not human, none of us don't fuck up now & then. Particularly of irritation to me are those who would enter the medical field yet would completely discount the validity of clinical depression in someone's life experience, and still write them off as "an attention whore." May you and yours never experience the same, is all I can say. And bite my tongue, further than that.

OK then...

There is something I am seriously pissed off about, but don't yet know how to express. This is my way, I guess, of at least letting off some of the steam. So I don't feel the need to go all Richard Speck or whatever (yes, I do have those thoughts. No, I don't own any firearms).

Why are some people so frustrating? Why is there air? (To fill basketballs - thanks, Bill Cosby) Why can't life be easier?

I know I need to "let go" - but that is so much easier said than done.

Oh, hey...

I had a blog in a very private place, but I felt that it was not a good place for me. A lot of behavior of which I do not approve, in spite of there being a lot of very good people there. I have a zero-tolerance policy toward nastiness. I've left a few message boards on account of it. It's childish behavior, to me, and I don't want to be influenced by the negativity of it.

It's been quite some time (for me, anyway)since I did blog anywhere. I do post tidbits of my nutty thoughts/observations, and even some updates on my personal life, on Facebook, but for me, a blog is like a combination of diary, therapy session, and Christmas newsletter. :)It's nice to just ramble, sometimes. Especially when I only have my family and long-distance connections, for now.

Right now, I am back in Malabar, Floriduh - it's a village of less than 4000. All lots are over an acre. Many folks have horses or other livestock. There's a post office, a police station, and a bar. I'm living with my parents, and they are glad to have me, and I am glad to have them. Life is good here.

And we are having quite a thunderstorm! They are common in the county, even the locality, but somehow they usually miss this little "neighborhood." It seems the exception is when they come along very late in the afternoon. This one has been a doozy. My li'l toy spaniel from the PNW has never seen the like, and he is a bit spooked - currently hiding under my chair. Not even barking at the thunder any more.

So, it's a Friday afternoon. I have only one assignment left in my current online university class (Intermediate Accounting I): a 7-10 page term paper. I have until midnight Monday to submit it. I'm burned out on study/homework right now - it's been more intense than previous classes. I could use some diversion/fun. Or just serious goofing off. Whatever. But I'm not adventurous enough to head out to a bar or something all alone. So, I will blog, listen to tunes, etc. Maybe find a friend to call. I dunno.

But, this sure beats being all alone (except for my dog)in the PNW. For sure.