I just don't understand...maybe I never can.

Cold shoulder? Silent treatment? I don't play games. I never have, and I never will. If you have a grudge, tell me why. But...some people, I have to understand, never can discuss feelings. I don't understand that, but I have to accept it. Not like it, but accept it. I have no need to change you, I always accepted you as you are. Valued you for it, in a lot of ways.

And I hope we can move past that and get back to being friends. I never wanted to lose that, I said so a long time ago. If I'd realized it would happen, I'd have done things differently, if not for my sake, for yours. More for yours. My ability to feel and express my feelings lets me release them sooner. I know that is a direct correlation, from experience as well as education. It will stand me in good stead in the future. I am concerned that you will stay stuck, and that it will hurt you, in the long run. As I said before, I hate the idea of anyone or anything hurting you. But...it's as if you want to stay stuck in hurt, from my perspective. Because something better was offered to you, and you rejected it. Out of what, I can never be sure. I can have my opinions and theories, but only you know the truth. I tried for a bit to hold out hope that you might change your mind. I would have bent over backwards and busted my ass to do for you, if you'd given me the chance. You have no real idea. All I wanted in return was the affection you showed and the side of yourself you showed me. But it's possible, I admit, that you were not showing me your whole, true self. I always showed you my whole, true self. Even when I was afraid to do so. I never wanted to take away, I only wanted to give...but I asked too much by needing to know your true feelings.

Until you learn how to share them with someone, you will never find a happy relationship. At this point it appears that you are fine with that. And I am sad, but also value myself enough to pick myself, dust myself off, and say that I can get back on that horse and try again. Slower, more cautiously...asking for more up front to weed out anyone who would act the same as you did toward me...but still not willing to close myself in a shell of protection that lets no one be intimate.

I don't know what else to say that could possibly matter to you or to me. I just hope to dear God that you are not hurt and that if you are, you can come to terms with it, recognize where it came from, understand how your own actions lead to it, and get past it. Not only will you benefit from it, but your loved ones will, as well - all of them. It isn't hardly important to me if I ever do, but that you and yours do, and I do mean that.

If, 20 years from now (if I'm still around...just looking at the family history...), you decide you want to forgive me or be my friend again, I'll be waiting with an open heart and open arms, and no desire to hurt you. I mean that. Maybe there could be another chance, and maybe not...maybe one or the other or both of us will find someone else. That isn't the point of this. This is about trying to help both of us move on. You weren't willing to do that for me, but I was and am willing to do that for you. And you may not be willing to accept me back, even as a friend, but I am and will be willing to do that for you. My heart is an open heart, full of love. Always.