Moving On...

I feel good about the present and the future. I am not obsessing over whether any particular man is or is not paying me enough attention, because if they aren't, I know that it's their loss. I do have 2 interested in me right now, and I won't get exclusive with anyone until they prove they can be trusted, and by exclusive I include "having any sexual contact beyond kissing and hugging, " as well as just seeing only one person.

Work is underchallenging on a mental basis, but provides a steady income that is adequate to keep me out of bankruptcy.

Just between me & you, babe...

...so, you do something (not for the first time) that hurts me, I let you know that in rational terms, you not only don't apologize or make it right, but don't even acknowledge my request for an explanation, give me your usual BS response to questions you don't want to answer...

and you think it's all somehow hunky dory, send me a "poke" on Facebook today after I unfriended you due to my hurt over your actions. Well, gosh, honey, I guess that makes *me* the Wicked Witch of the East in your eyes, huh? Have you any capacity for self-examination, or for accepting your own fault in doing things that are hurtful to others? Do you ever say you're sorry for anything, to anyone? Do you even care that you did something hurtful to me, and that all I asked for was for you to explain, make it right(which would have required no more effort on your part than the click of a flipping button, for crying out loud), and you'd be forgiven? No, you chose instead to insult me. You treated me like I deserve to be abused. Guess what, I have a different opinion of myself, I don't have to accept abuse from anyone. I know that I have value as a person, as a woman. I know that I am loved and valued by others, even if you think you have the luxury in your own mind of devaluing me. Guess what, I just took that privilege away from you. You won't get it back.

I didn't say that I would never forgive you, I am an absolute believer in always leaving forgiveness and reconciliation open as an option. I am saying I'm probably less forgiving than God (I ain't perfect, and the Lyle Lovett song "God Does" springs to mind, as you know I love to make musical references all the time), and you need to make more of an effort than I've seen you do so far. So, the question is: will you? Or are you too proud/stubborn? It's your call. I don't control you, but you won't abuse my feelings with my consent. You won't turn me into a doormat. Been there, done that, earned me a passel of t-shirts in that department, am totally done with it. Understand, I need to make sure I never end up that miserable again. You've already come close to putting me there on a few occasions. I don't intend to give you that much power over me again.

I owe, I owe, ...

I have completed 2 weeks at the new job. I know I'm overqualified in many ways, except for my lack of experience with property management. My predecessor refused to train me, so I'm being trained by people who don't really know my job very well. And I'm (as I almost always have) exceeding expectations and delighting my employers. That's a good thing.

I am happy to work with nice people. I've worked with some world-class jerks at a few jobs. I've had some jobs where I was miserable, that actually came extremely close to putting me in the hospital. I don't get the feeling that will happen here.

I make less than half of what I made in Oregon, so that isn't exactly to my liking. The commute is about 15 miles, and I wish it were less (takes 25 minutes, if I speed and encounter no problems).

Today, I got told I was doing "a helluva job." It made me feel good. In fact, though, no matter what the job, I always do my best, and strive to do better than my predecessor. That's just how I do things.

Meanwhile, I'm struggling with money, as I didn't get unemployment for the month of July (and didn't start work until August). I have a critical payment to make this month, will just be able to squeeze it out, but nothing left over for new clothes (that I badly need, due to the recent weight loss and climate change). And really wanted a desk chair for my bedroom, but I guess that can wait until the end of the month (was hoping to manage it this weekend, what with the "sales tax holiday" - oh well).

Family matters

My folks flew up to Bloomington, Illinois today for Mom's annual family reunion. She is number 9 of 11 siblings; 4 have died already, including my favorite aunt, Ruth. I wanted to go, but I am broke, in debt up to my eyeballs, AND just started a new job. Plus, someone has to take care of my dog and their cat.

I told the folks to tell the family that I said hello, and I'll try to make it next year (I haven't seen any of them since I was a child), and don't nobody die for the next year.

Tonight, Baby Brudder & I went to the airport to pick up their car from the lot and drive it home (they left at a time when neither of us could take off work to drive them). I noticed with some chagrin that the "gas light" came on a few miles from home in their Jeep. Since I can't afford to fill their tank, they best hope their stuff fits in my trunk when I go pick them up Monday night.

The background:

"gotta tell you, mornings are ruf, I wake up so horny most of them lol"

Why did you share this with me? I wondered at the time...was it to make me get worked up, or something else? It's still kind of been in the back of my mind. Help me out here, is there something I don't understand? I know you are not ready to be involved with someone now, but, honestly, is this about trying to keep me hoping for something in the future? And, is there any reason I should? I'm not trying to make you feel bad, just confused. And...well, confused. Yes, that's probably the best way to describe it. Perhaps best that I not elaborate. Not trying to make you feel bad for expressing yourself, please don't take it that way. I'm just honestly...confused. Or, conflicted? Or, something like that. I guess I got to feeling things ....ok, that is enough info for you to go with, really. Just asking you...are you hoping for something in the future, or just teasing me, and need to be honest about that? Or, what?

I'm going to trust you to be honest with me, I really have no reason to doubt you on that. Don't worry about hurting me, better to be truthful than to give someone false hope, yes?

J

Sorry for the late response, but I just got in from Miami this afternoon.

I apologize for the comment that you have in quotes, I was simply stating how I felt that morning, and it was inappropriate.

As I have stated before, I can see us being friends. In answering one of your questions, I am not trying to keep you hoping for something more in the future. I do not see our friendship evolving into a long term romantic relationship.

I am sorry if anything I have said has confused you or given you false hopes, that was never my intention. It will not happen again.

H"

I am so angry right now, because he did in fact send those signals and give me false hopes, and that was just plain wrong. And, excuse me, you don't think I'm good enough for a long term romantic relationship? I am trying so hard at this moment not to resort to crude expletives. I am so much better than you realize, and this is not arrogance in any way.

I feel like putting my fist through some drywall, but haven't and won't. I feel like screaming and ranting about being led on, but haven't and won't. I hate being treated like my feelings are inconsequential. I hate being told that someone "didn't mean to give me false hopes" when the things they did clearly qualify. I'm scrupulously honest with people, and I'm sorry, it just makes me furious when I find out that they have been less than so with me. I'd rather be told, up front and honestly, "I don't know yet, it's possible my feelings could change", or "no, I really could never feel that way about you" AS SOON AS YOU KNOW IT, than feel as if you led me to believe there was a possibility I should wait for you to be ready. I'd honestly have a very difficult time actually being friends with you after this. If that makes me a bitch, so be it. I have been called worse, and gotten over it. But I honestly don't see how I have not been, in a certain sense, lied to. And I'm just not OK with that. Gee whiz, why not?

Aloneness

This Thursday, my parents are flying to IL for Mom's annual family reunion. I wish I could go, I would really like to re-connect, haven't seen any of them since I was a pre-teen or younger. But my budget and job schedule won't permit me to do so. I hope maybe I will be able to manage it next year, and that we don't lose any more family members before then.

I hate being alone at night, not out of fear, but just because it's lonely and makes me just a little insecure. It's not fear.

Dad bought some ham steaks for me to have for dinner while they're gone. I guess he doesn't remember that I told him I don't particularly like ham. He remembers that it's one of his favorites, and it's easy to cook. As they say in the South, "bless his heart."

TGIF

What a stressful day at work! I came close to thinking I was not going to get everything done that was expected of me, but I managed with 10 minutes' breathing room, although I didn't get to eat lunch until about 2, and I got dehydrated as I was too busy to even get a drink of water. Next week should be better. Thus ends my first week at the new job.

I like my coworkers, and my boss is nice, too. We're all Gator fans, so that's cool.

I realized something unusual about myself today...although I don't believe I speak with any kind of Southern accent when talking to others, when I mutter to myself (which I do a lot of, for some reason - good thing everyone else in the office does it, too, so they won't think I'm strange), it always sounds like it's in a Florida/Southern accent. Isn't that a trip?

First Day thoughts

I felt more than competent to do the job, that's for sure. And they made me feel more than welcome. Warm, friendly people. I like it much. My boss, Pat, she is prolly almost as old as my parents...and is encouraging, appreciative, huggy even. I'm not usually up for hugs from strangers, but I have managed to be OK with it, so far. Her son, Mike, is 2nd in command, will take over when she retires, and he is a really nice, easy-going, makes me comfortable. His wife, Gina, is nice, though she doesn't seem to be able to smile (?). My favorite so far, though, is Sue. She is a little Southern doll, talks so fast I can hardly keep up, cute as a bug, prolly in her late 50's or early 60's (trying to judge by the facial wrinkles)...and she's a dog lover like me, asked about mine already. :) She normally only works part-time, but is working extra hours to help me get trained. I already just adore her, she's a happy and charming sweetheart. Told me today that she was thinking about me & my first day last night, how dear is that?

The job won't challenge me too much intellectually, at this point...but I was a bit, um, less-than-thrilled to find out that the job is not exactly as described to me. As in, I'm expected to assume receptionist duties. Not at all my thing. At this point, I will just deal. Beggars can't be choosers, for sure. I have a job, there are plenty of Americans right now who don't. Shut up, be grateful, do something about it later, when ya got letters after your name...

Meanwhile, I doesn't has to go bankrupt, I will pay off my debts if the employment continues, and in 90 days, I'll have (much needed) medical insurance to cover my very spensive maintenance meds. Woo hoo. Ain't gonna bitch about bein' better off, no how, no way!

A New Beginning...

(cue the damn John Williams music)

Tomorrow morning, I will get out of bed at 6am, take my dog for his morning constitutional, have coffee & breakfast & a shower, dress & prepare for my first day of work in 3 months...

This is a new chapter in my life. I moved back to Florida for a few reasons: first, because after my divorce, I knew I needed the support of my family (I had none where I was, due to the controlling, jealous aspects of my second husband). And second, because I had been out of work since Nov 2008, except for 2 short-term temporary jobs at the beginning of this year. And third, because my dad invited me, both out of concern for me and out of concern for my mom; see, he isn't convinced his heart will hold out more than another 8 years, and he wants to know that someone will be able to live with mom & take care of her when he's gone. And he knows I am the one to turn to for this, not my younger brother. And I am willing.

So, now that I'm here, and my unemployment ran out, I was fortunate enough to find a job...one that barely pays more than minimum wage for something I used to be paid twice as much to do in OR, unfortunately, but - hey, that's the job market. Better than ruining my credit and sponging off my parents. Meanwhile, next October (God willin' and the creek don't rise, as they said in the old days), I'll have my bachelor's degree in accounting, and have more options. So, I can pay some more dues...this is only a temporary setback, and really not even that. As my dad taught me, never be ashamed of doing a hard day's work at any job...the old Protestant work ethic he most assuredly had handed down from his Swedish Lutheran dad and his southern mom.

I hope this situation will open new doors to me, in experience gained, new friendships and networking, etc. I look forward to the positives I have to gain from it. Life continues to be better than it used to be.

Life is good...

but we all experience setbacks. I seem to be in a time of those, at least on the emotional level. I really hate to complain, I know a lot of people in the world have things so much worse than me. But, to deny that my recent emotional experience is not really all that great would be to lie. I don't like lies.

I know it will get better, I'm not a pessimist. Just a realist who recognizes that there are certain factors that are a bit beyond my ability to overcome, emotionally, at the moment. It will pass. I've been doing what I can these days to try to mitigate just such incidents, and I know it will be OK. The worst part is that there is not someone available to me to just listen. That's probably the most valuable thing a person can have. Not someone to give advice, not someone to try to solve your "problems". Just someone to listen. I wish I had that right now. It really would make a huge difference. I think the proper definition of that kind of person is "friend"...and it seems I have none available to me now, when I'm hurting.

Yeah - Sex

I know this could be considered whining, I don't care. I feel a need to vent. Maybe this is not the best place to do it, but I know the "object" (or would that be "subject"?) is highly unlikely to see this.

Fear of commitment just doesn't make sense to me...I've never really had that issue. Yet, I don't consider myself a risk-taker. Maybe it's a "special category" of risk-taking, I don't know. I've always been pretty open to that risk, I guess. Reward could be worth it, it seems.

And I guess there is some latitude to be given to people who've recently gone through a painful breakup. Although, the parameters of "recent" are certainly subjective. (Wow, statistics may be actually rubbing off on me.)

So, then, given these things...someone says I am the hottest woman he's ever come across in his life, gives various descriptions of why...but backs off, due to not being over someone else (whom he describes as at least having no advantage over me physically, and we seem to have a lot more personality stuff in common...would think that would be valuable). OK, I guess I just have to deal. One of my main "life mottoes" actually, is "don't have to like it, just have to live with it." And then, he still keeps in touch, driving me crazy with "I still think about you, but...". I am not all that sure why I do it, but I keep responding, maybe trying to hang in there in hopes he gets over her...

I guess, meanwhile, I'll just try taking my dog to the park, or whatever...it would be such a damn shame to let this newly-found "sexual prime" thang go to waste...not that I'm indiscriminate, I won't have sex at the drop of the hat or anything...got to establish trust, friendship, etc...for what it's worth.

Just another ...day in paradise

Nothing really new to say, just checking in to say that life is boring, and that's a good thing. School is going well, the love life is stalled (damn!), and I'm running out of money, but hopeful for another unemployment claim to be approved...

Hell, what to make of people, sometimes...

When I make a statement that I am "above" a certain behavior, it is never with an attitude of being "holier than thou" - rather, it is with the hope that my friends will hold me accountable if I slip from that goal. Not that I want to be slammed, of course - any decent friend knows how to tell me in a way that doesn't appear to be an attack. But they should be honest with me when I'm guilty of self-delusion.

Then there are those incidents where people accuse me of behavior that they clearly are displaying themselves. And I must bite my tongue, because I have no desire to be the "b-word" in the situation. But, damned if it ain't tempting, when the situation presents itself on a silver platter with a big friggin' bow on top and stuff.

I will just express this here, not be direct with the person who was so incredibly hateful to me and to someone else, and try to just let it go at that. I think I can manage. After all, I have so many more important things to think about. :)

Oh, Crappy Day!

Wow, it's been a long time since I've had so much crummy news to deal with...

Starting with finding out that I have just about run out of unemployment benefits...only 2 weeks plus about $101, and I'm out. Since I'm in debt to the tune of at least $11K, this does not bode well for me. I worked hard over the last decade to get a good credit rating, I am not going to be OK with seeing it go down the toilet...

Then I developed a nice case of cystitis. Oh, yay. Fortunately, cranberry juice and NSAIDs seem to be helping; maybe I'll get lucky and not need to go to the doctor for antibiotics (which I can't afford).

Then I get a call from the Financial Aid office of my university...they never got the necessary documents I sent 3-4 weeks ago...oh, wonderful.

Hearing that others I care about are having problems doesn't help, either.

But, you know what? I won't let it get me down. Because: I have a roof over my head, I get fed on a regular basis, if push comes to shove I can ask my parents for money (though I despise the idea), and most importantly - I have love & support from friends and family. That last part makes up for so much...

My exciting life

Mom does dishes & laundry, spends a lot of the day out in the yard, pulling weeds. Sometimes reads a romance novel, likes to do crossword puzzles.

Dad putters around in the greenhouse with his orchids, surfs the net, watches TV, cooks dinner every night, does the sudoku puzzles, sometimes reads an SF/fantasy novel.

We watch Jeopardy together most nights, and they almost always watch a video they checked out from the library - if it's one I'm interested in, I'll join them.

Most of my time I'm studying, doing homework, or on the 'net, either goofing off or socializing, or on the phone with someone.

Hey, other than being a bit broke and in debt, I can't really complain about my life.

Why I hang around in my bikini so much

Since I lost a lot of weight this year, avoiding the carbs, and dropped down about 3 sizes, and have been unemployed most of the time, I don't have an awful lot of clothing to wear. I did buy some inexpensive things to get me by, but really have not wanted to spend what I don't have. This means I run out of clean clothes quickly.

And, not contributing to the household budget, I don't run my own laundry loads, only wait until Mom is already running a similar load, so I don't run up the power bill. Sometimes I get a little desperate. Right now, all I have left to wear is my "interview clothes", my "nicer" casual clothes, stuff that's way too dressy or too warm to wear, and my swimsuit. Since I won't need to leave the house, I guess tomorrow will be a swimsuit day.

What is my worth to a man?

I don't believe in an "entitlement" attitude, far from it. But there are some things a person has to stand up and say they won't settle for less than...

Any man who wants me to be exclusive with him (and that's the only way I do things)had better make me feel like I'm the most important woman in his life. Granted, there's room to temper it by how long we've known each other: until there's a "formal commitment" of whatever sort, I fully grant anyone related by blood, or even marriage under reasonable circumstances, to get priority over me.

Still, if a man feels that I'm only worthy of the occasional IM, text, or phone call once or twice a week, it shows me what my value is to him. On the other hand, if a man makes me feel as if he'd move heaven and earth to make sure I didn't get hurt, acts as if it would be wrong for him to ignore me if he could avoid it, pays me compliments that I didn't fish for and generally makes me feel as if there could be no doubt that he cares for me...factors such as looks tend to become much less important. And none of these things has anything to do with money being spent...but when he does that, too, it's icing on the cake, or gravy on the biscuits!

I'm sorry, no one is going to try to make me feel guilty for asking for what I need. Not when they can't express honestly what they need, when asked point-blank. And not when trust has already been compromised.

I haven't had a good cry in ages, anyway

My "best friend" since I was 12 said something to me this evening that has really, really hurt me...and didn't explain. And has done this sort of thing to me twice before. I guess I should take that as an indicator that it's more about her than me. But I am still hurt. I don't understand. Just yesterday, she called me. I was unfortunately on my way somewhere, couldn't really talk at the time. I wish she'd called at a different time. I wish I didn't feel this way, but this is a relationship that goes back 34-35 years, back when we were still trying to figure out who we were, and the things we went through together were very much like an actual sisterhood, to me. Except that it was one of our choosing, which made it mean even more to me.

Maybe I need to let the tears come, get them out of my system. And part of me says, "I thought I was done dealing with people who make me cry." Shows what I know. I'm still vulnerable.

A special night is in order

Birthdays are special to me. I feel the need to make them special for those for whom I care, as well. I'm perhaps going a little over-the-top for someone I've only known for a few weeks, but I don't feel it's inappropriate. He's taken me out to several meals at places that were not cheap; pulling out the stops for a nice homecooked birthday meal with wine & dessert seems more than appropriate. He wanted to pay for the ingredients, or the wine, and I insisted that he let me. Yes, he has a good job that pays well, and I'm unemployed, but that isn't the point. I don't want to be taking advantage, and I don't think it's right to ask someone to contribute to their own birthday gift, either.

Can't wait to share my favorite romantic movie with him, see if he enjoys it at much as I do. I know he'll appreciate the meal, and that will make the effort worthwhile. Spending time together, getting to know one another better, that's a good thing. I'm looking forward to tonight.

I'm looking forward to a lot, lately. It's fantastic.

Midyear Review Time!

Here it is, the middle of 2010. At the beginning of 2010, after 2 bad years in a row for me, I made up my mind that I wanted a better year, and figured I had to do something different to get something different. And I decided that the different things I would do were: (1) go back to school, get my accounting degree; (2) move out of my ex-husband's house; (3) move back to Florida to live near the people (my family) whom I love.

There have been a few little bumps in the road, but I have accomplished (2) & (3) and am working on (1), with good progress so far and about 16 months to go to achieve it. Along the way, I've gotten closer to quite a few people, made some enemies of a small handful of others (most of whom never did a damn thing for me but seem to think I've wronged them, how I cannot fathom), and picked up some entirely new relationships that are beginning to be very good for me.

I was quite amused to see one of the people whom I perhaps should not consider a friend comment that the reason for all the positive changes in my life could be ascribed to the hateful comments that were launched at me by the people that decided to become my enemies. I know full well that all of the positive changes in my life have everything to do with (1) & (2) & (3), which were determined (by me and me alone)many months before a ridiculously blown-out-of-proportion incident made those people turn against me.

So, my life now is pretty great. I mean, yeah, I'm still unemployed. I'm still in debt up to my eyeballs. I'm still working my ass off to get this degree, and it's not easy, by any means.

But I feel better about myself than I ever have in my life. I mean that. I'm happy with my body, happy with my living situation, happy with my choices, happy with the people I've chosen to be in my life, happy with the path I'm on...and I truly believe better things are in store for me, even.

The effect of music on sexuality...

Sigh...listening to music from my past dredges up old memories...

Steely Dan, "Deacon Blues" - wow, this was a big one. I was 13, he was 18 (I think I had lied about my age, frankly)...what a piece of make-out music, to be sure, in fact that whole album (Aja) ..hearing that one still brings back feelings of arousal that were never fulfilled at the time...

I remember, not long after that, we were in deep "make-out" mode, and I moaned or sighed, and he asked me "did you just come?"...and I had no idea what he was talking about. I was a 13 year old girl, for crying out loud! Anyway, not long after, he pressured for sex, and I didn't cave in, so it ended.

Aerosmith, "Sweet Emotion" - I was 13 still, it was my second boyfriend, who was closer to my age...and I remember some feelings that were beyond my control, though they were never fully exercised, thank goodness. He was a sweet boy, but still, not worthy of me going further, I was aware of that. Again, though, the song still can bring back the memories, and the physical feelings associated with them.

I have such a stong feeling that music is tied to emotions, memories, and, yes, sexual experience. And want to incorporate it in the right way in the future, understanding how much it matters to me. ;)

Positivity

These days, many more of the people I know were initially met via the Internet, in one way or another. The people I have met in person, or talked to on the phone at the very least, are so supportive and positive and complimentary, it's almost more than I can accept. I didn't grow up with compliments. I felt the need to justify my existence all of my childhood, mostly the only way I could comprehend: good grades in school, obedient behavior. Other than that, I never felt good enough unless I had a way to objectively prove it: here's my report card; hey, I've never been in real trouble; I keep my room clean; etc.

Now I'm getting old enough that I realize those things are way past valid. And I've learned a bit, here and there, about people, trust, honesty, self-esteem, and a lot of related issues.

Here are a few things I know to be facts: no one who has ever spent any time actually getting to know me has not ended up liking me; there are people who do dislike me, and they know so little about me and most of what they "know" is lies they believed from others or told themselves; people who have no reason at all to lie to me, who have proven themselves to be honest, tell me that I am a good person, and even call me beautiful and other things that make me feel great.

I must reiterate again, I do not think more highly of myself than anyone. I don't believe anyone should. But I will also say that the best people I've ever met are the ones who make an effort to make other people feel good. God bless 'em.

I used to be more negative about people in general, but lately, I think it's only the small percentage of crummy people who account for most of the frustration, and that a lot more people than I used to give credit are decent, if you give them a chance.

I'm a failure...

...as an introvert, that is; at least in the way the term is popularly understood. I spend more time looking to socialize with my friends online or on the phone or in person than I do studying, doing homework, etc. I have been labeled an "attention whore" and I could argue that I won't do "anything" to get attention, but I admit that I do love to be in contact with people, so if that makes me an "attention whore", I guess I gotta let that flag fly. I've always loved talking with and listening to people more than reading, watching TV or movies, physical activities...although I will use any of them to help facilitate social contact.

Introvert does NOT mean "antisocial", by the way. It means someone who needs to process everything internally before they can respond to the exterior world, someone who has a very rich inner life, someone who lives a bit too much in their head. None of those things precludes craving human interaction. In the case of most introverts, though, it does mean feeling more comfortable in one-on-one interactions, or at least with those with whom one has already established familiarity. Sometimes when I'm in a particularly upbeat mood, I can easily socialize with certain friendly strangers. Mostly, I am more reserved until I get to know someone.

We are a social species, after all. There are loners, like Ted Kacyznski, etc. But they are not the norm, they are aberrations. They're what we call "sociopaths." I'm not that. I care about people, I empathize even. And I crave the contact. No shame in that. It's what we were built to do.

Joy

Lately I am having difficulty composing words to describe how good I feel. I'm trying to just hang on to this feeling, as I know how fleeting happiness can be in this life. And I've spent too much of my life not feeling anywhere near this good, it almost feels too good to be true. Some dear friends tell me I deserve it, and I have no doubt they mean it. But life isn't fair, it isn't about getting what you deserve. Not this life, anyway...whether or not you believe in another life is your personal choice.

So, let the blessings be, as long as they last. May they eventually outweigh the heartaches, past & future, should I be so fortunate. May I do my best to share whatever joy I can.

Is this the real thing?

So, now I've had 3 dates and lots and lots of conversation via phone and IM with this new man in my life. He is dear, and I feel so much potential for us becoming best friends and lovers in the near future. I'm not really sure about another marriage, given my track record...

And, I don't want to rule it out, either, should it be what he desires. It would certainly benefit me in certain ways, but I'm not looking for that primarily. I'm looking for the same thing he is: a best friend and lover in the same person, someone with whom to enjoy life. For as long as possible.

It is so wonderful that he seems to be fulfilling all of the deepest desires I always had from a man, for attention, compliments, affection, a feeling of being protected and cherished, etc. And that he is very transparent, open, honest, willing to discuss anything, including feelings. And, on his part, he tells me that I continue to exceed his expectations, as well. He appreciates and honors me for my intelligence, as well as for my femininity.

There is no way to know what is to be. But, there is this: we make each other feel so much better than either has felt in a long time, and we continue to build trust and respect. And we have found only compatibility in every issue we have discussed so far. And then, there is the issue of the funny little "coincidences"...hard to explain, and maybe for now I will keep those things between the two of us. Anyway, it's all about timing, luck, maybe even fate.

I still have some restraint and self-control in my emotions this time, probably because I don't want to set myself up to hurt the way I did the last time...but, I feel the very real possibility that we could be very deeply in love one of these days. As much as I'm trying to take it slow, it becomes more and more difficult to resist my feelings. And hearing that he is going through the same feelings is building my trust and affection, as well.

Breaking family ties

I received an email yesterday from my ex's cousin; we had connected through my Ancestry.com account, on which I had posted his family tree that I worked on. She wanted to share some information about his great-great uncle. I just replied and let her know why I've been out of touch for about 2 years, and that I wouldn't be working on the tree any more - though I'll leave it up, for the sake of his daughters, if they ever become interested.

I can't help it, I feel bad for her that she had to find out this way. But not at all surprised.

I can't help myself,,,

I may be getting ahead of myself, as is very much true to my nature...how can I explain that I am someone who is more afraid *not* to take a chance, more afraid that I will one day look back and regret what I *didn't* take a chance on...

Coincidences abound. He spent 3 weeks in Portland a while back. Mentioned some favorite restaurants...all three were favorites of mine, not just ones I'd been to, but absolute favorites. He really likes Portland, wants to go back.

We agree on college football, other sports, foods, music...he is reluctant to discuss politics or religion at this point, doesn't want to "cause dissension". I doubt that will happen.

To hear that he finds nothing more attractive than a redhead with short hair? Wow. To hear that he thinks I'm sexy, that I have a "perfect" figure, I have beautiful eyes, etc. More wow. To be told, numerous times a day, that he's thinking about me...I eat it up. It's exactly what I want to experience. What I want, need, dreamed of.

I think there is an element of "timing" going on here. I can't explain it. But if certain things had worked out differently, for either of us, this would not be happening right now, between us. I am one to find significance in that.

He is open, honest, gentle, yet passionate, sensitive, strong, masculine...this is almost too good for me to believe, like I'm going to find out tomorrow that there was some mistake...that he's changed his mind about me. But, I just don't really think that is likely. Maybe he will find out something about me, eventually, that is too much for him. It has happened before, more than once. In fact, it's what I have come to expect. I'm too emotional, I'm too intense, I move too fast...but, I want to be accepted for me. And I want to give my whole heart. With it comes a lot of love, passion, care, etc. OK, I know I'm far from perfect. Who is perfect? Not one single person I've ever met, not even the ones I've admired the most. It's not a matter of being perfect, and it's not a matter of finding someone perfect. It's a matter of finding yourself willing to give and receive, and finding someone else willing to give and receive, and finding the compatibilities that make it possible to work out. That's why I think I should be very hopeful...so far, all of those elements seem to be in place.

Please, don't warn me or discourage me. If it doesn't work out, I will be OK. But, I can't help but be excited and want this to be the right thing for me. I've needed something good, and this is feeling so good...wish me well.

Like cats and dogs...

Bailey is trying to learn how to get along with a cat. Frank is not exactly an amiable cat, to begin with. He used to just turn around and take swipes at you with his claws or bite. He's 15 now, so he's much mellower...he actually seems to seek out a little bit of attention. But he's not enthused about having a lively little toy spaniel in his vicinity, on his TURF! Bailey, for his part, has the typical Cavalier King Charles spaniel attitude that everyone and everything is his friend, unless they reject him, or unless they make him feel threatened.

He's already learned to give ground to the cat. Frank's taken some swipes at his face, and I'm thankful he never hit an eyeball (as prominent as they are!). If I throw Bailey's toy, and it lands too close to Frank, Bailey is reluctant to go get it.

I think Frank is starting to relax just a bit, though. There is hope. They almost touched noses for a second tonight. I know Bailey got very excited to see Frank back after he'd been gone for over 36 hours...

It's a day it's a day it's a day it's a day at the beach...

Drove down to Jupiter today with Bailey, met my good friend Debby with her Cavalier, Barkley, and we went to the "Dog Beach" - that's not it's official name, but a lot of people bring their dogs there, as there are no lifeguards to prevent it. She brought all the gear to make it a pleasant day: umbrella, chairs, cooler, towels, etc. I brought - me & Bails. We hung out for several hours, just talking and enjoying the ocean. The dogs aren't getting along - too much testosterone, both being unneutered. Eventually, they were too hot even in the shade, so we took them down to the water and made them go swimming to cool off. Neither one was crazy about it, but it did cool them off well.

Then we went to lunch at the Corner Cafe, because they have good food and great microbrews. We both had to try the watermelon gazpacho, and it was incredible. Finally left about 3:30. I had to water the plants for my folks when I got home - it occurred to me how incredibly boring it is to stand around for 40 minutes with a hose in your hand, no wonder you only see old people doing it.

Not I have a 10-question accounting quiz to take, and my study partner said he already took it, studied all day for it, and still didn't do well - and it's open book. Not what I wanted to hear.

We be frustrated...

Joe, my study partner, has expressed some frustrations with our accounting homework assignments. I share his frustrations. He sometimes responds with "it's only 3 points, if we get it partly right, our instructor probably will give us partial credit."

Oh, I wish I could feel more secure in that. I read his course guidance posting...he seems like a hardass to me. And he is native Chinese, and excuse me, but may expect as much of us as most Chinese do of their own kids. I know a little about that.

Joe asks for help, and I wish I could be more helpful...but he is usually trying to push himself at a much more accelerated pace than I do. He says he needs to, because he works weekends, and because he is finding the material so difficult.

My main issue is that the textbook is sort of...obtuse. Not clear enough. But, after enough working with it, I finally have my "aha" moment where I get the concept, in spite of that. But when I try to talk to Joe about it, he seems to have a hard time following me...and I don't think it's that he isn't intelligent, but more that he communicates differently...

As my friend Michael, who is a teacher at a University and whom I admire muchly, says, this could sharpen me. Or, it could drive me nuckin' futs!

How things change...

Took a trip to Publix (supermarket)...could not help but observe that, in this nearly 90 degree heat, many of the locals were wearing long pants, jeans, even. I would DIE. Guess I ain't a local no more.

Fighting the good fight.

With my folks out of town for a week, I have been itching to overhaul the kitchen. It's messy and organized, and I don't think they (Mom in particular) ever throw anything out if there's even a crumb left...even after 8 years. I decided to start with the pantry. I have to stop every time my blood pressure gets too high. The trash can is almost full. They have several opened containers of many foods, because they don't realize they've already opened one. Because it's all so damned unorganized. And there is so much crap in there that doesn't even belong. You see why I said my blood pressure gets too high? No? Oh, well. I can't help it, I like order, chaos makes me irritated and uncomfortable.

I cringe to think about refrigerator cleaning day.

Life really is good

It's been a very, very good day. I think certain predictions that were given me a while back are possibly on the mark: it appears that there are good things in store for me here in Florida. At the very least, it's better just being here. But I think the very least is the tip of the iceberg.

I just don't understand...maybe I never can.

Cold shoulder? Silent treatment? I don't play games. I never have, and I never will. If you have a grudge, tell me why. But...some people, I have to understand, never can discuss feelings. I don't understand that, but I have to accept it. Not like it, but accept it. I have no need to change you, I always accepted you as you are. Valued you for it, in a lot of ways.

And I hope we can move past that and get back to being friends. I never wanted to lose that, I said so a long time ago. If I'd realized it would happen, I'd have done things differently, if not for my sake, for yours. More for yours. My ability to feel and express my feelings lets me release them sooner. I know that is a direct correlation, from experience as well as education. It will stand me in good stead in the future. I am concerned that you will stay stuck, and that it will hurt you, in the long run. As I said before, I hate the idea of anyone or anything hurting you. But...it's as if you want to stay stuck in hurt, from my perspective. Because something better was offered to you, and you rejected it. Out of what, I can never be sure. I can have my opinions and theories, but only you know the truth. I tried for a bit to hold out hope that you might change your mind. I would have bent over backwards and busted my ass to do for you, if you'd given me the chance. You have no real idea. All I wanted in return was the affection you showed and the side of yourself you showed me. But it's possible, I admit, that you were not showing me your whole, true self. I always showed you my whole, true self. Even when I was afraid to do so. I never wanted to take away, I only wanted to give...but I asked too much by needing to know your true feelings.

Until you learn how to share them with someone, you will never find a happy relationship. At this point it appears that you are fine with that. And I am sad, but also value myself enough to pick myself, dust myself off, and say that I can get back on that horse and try again. Slower, more cautiously...asking for more up front to weed out anyone who would act the same as you did toward me...but still not willing to close myself in a shell of protection that lets no one be intimate.

I don't know what else to say that could possibly matter to you or to me. I just hope to dear God that you are not hurt and that if you are, you can come to terms with it, recognize where it came from, understand how your own actions lead to it, and get past it. Not only will you benefit from it, but your loved ones will, as well - all of them. It isn't hardly important to me if I ever do, but that you and yours do, and I do mean that.

If, 20 years from now (if I'm still around...just looking at the family history...), you decide you want to forgive me or be my friend again, I'll be waiting with an open heart and open arms, and no desire to hurt you. I mean that. Maybe there could be another chance, and maybe not...maybe one or the other or both of us will find someone else. That isn't the point of this. This is about trying to help both of us move on. You weren't willing to do that for me, but I was and am willing to do that for you. And you may not be willing to accept me back, even as a friend, but I am and will be willing to do that for you. My heart is an open heart, full of love. Always.

Wasted Time

I already realize it wasn't...

Empowered

I am quite surprised to learn that I feel much better about myself after standing up for myself. I declare that I have value, that I won't be taken for granted. I am worth pursuing, and I will not be the pursuer. Better to be in no relationship than in-or-not-sure-if-I'm-in one that makes me feel devalued. I know that I can wait for the right person, or no one at all. If someone wants me, they're going to have to make sure they make me feel very wanted.

I should be asleep now, But.

Well, I'm not. I tried. All I can do is try. I could say the same about other things, as it is applicable. Difference being, I guess, that other things sometimes require that other people try, as well. And sometimes, they really don't.

I won't let it change the fact that I know who I am, and what I deserve. This is not about entitlement, but it is about self-worth. I do not deserve to be treated as if I am someone to be ashamed of. I certainly am not that. A friend sent me a list of "life rules" today, and one of them said "if a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it." It really hit me upside the head.

I don't know if writing this out will help me sleep, or not. I do know that at least it will help me let go of a little bit of the pain I've been put through.

When will I ever learn?

I think the more I try to trust and give "benefit of the doubt" to people, the more I get burned. I still fail to understand (a) why they do it to me, but even more importantly, (b) why I continue to keep trying.

I really, honestly, don't want to end up a bitter person. I really, honestly want to care about people. And I have no ability to comprehend the hate that some of them seem to be hell-bent on spreading.

I know this life is just temporary, anyway. And that, in (X amount of time), it won't mean anything. And that there are bigger, better things...but sometimes, I can't really help but need to express my frustration over the absolute crap some people seem insistent on spreading.

ETA: it saddens, and yes, angers, me, that people over 30 can still act like children when it comes to understanding, forgiveness, etc. None of us are not human, none of us don't fuck up now & then. Particularly of irritation to me are those who would enter the medical field yet would completely discount the validity of clinical depression in someone's life experience, and still write them off as "an attention whore." May you and yours never experience the same, is all I can say. And bite my tongue, further than that.

OK then...

There is something I am seriously pissed off about, but don't yet know how to express. This is my way, I guess, of at least letting off some of the steam. So I don't feel the need to go all Richard Speck or whatever (yes, I do have those thoughts. No, I don't own any firearms).

Why are some people so frustrating? Why is there air? (To fill basketballs - thanks, Bill Cosby) Why can't life be easier?

I know I need to "let go" - but that is so much easier said than done.

Oh, hey...

I had a blog in a very private place, but I felt that it was not a good place for me. A lot of behavior of which I do not approve, in spite of there being a lot of very good people there. I have a zero-tolerance policy toward nastiness. I've left a few message boards on account of it. It's childish behavior, to me, and I don't want to be influenced by the negativity of it.

It's been quite some time (for me, anyway)since I did blog anywhere. I do post tidbits of my nutty thoughts/observations, and even some updates on my personal life, on Facebook, but for me, a blog is like a combination of diary, therapy session, and Christmas newsletter. :)It's nice to just ramble, sometimes. Especially when I only have my family and long-distance connections, for now.

Right now, I am back in Malabar, Floriduh - it's a village of less than 4000. All lots are over an acre. Many folks have horses or other livestock. There's a post office, a police station, and a bar. I'm living with my parents, and they are glad to have me, and I am glad to have them. Life is good here.

And we are having quite a thunderstorm! They are common in the county, even the locality, but somehow they usually miss this little "neighborhood." It seems the exception is when they come along very late in the afternoon. This one has been a doozy. My li'l toy spaniel from the PNW has never seen the like, and he is a bit spooked - currently hiding under my chair. Not even barking at the thunder any more.

So, it's a Friday afternoon. I have only one assignment left in my current online university class (Intermediate Accounting I): a 7-10 page term paper. I have until midnight Monday to submit it. I'm burned out on study/homework right now - it's been more intense than previous classes. I could use some diversion/fun. Or just serious goofing off. Whatever. But I'm not adventurous enough to head out to a bar or something all alone. So, I will blog, listen to tunes, etc. Maybe find a friend to call. I dunno.

But, this sure beats being all alone (except for my dog)in the PNW. For sure.